Insider rumor has it Google Labs (NASDAQ:GOOG) is preparing to launch their latest and hippest experiment ever- Google Death. GDeath is an online mortality service, an after-life aggregator and death date predicator all rolled into one convenient system to make crossing over even easier.
An insider working at Google leaked: “GDeath is a completely new way to triangulate in on the mortality challenges of individuals and to alert people when they are approaching their finite time on Earth. GDeath only makes use of data in aggregate so while Google knows you are dead we don’t know it is really, really, truly you- we just suspect it might be you. Google can’t predict exactly when you are going to die, but based on your searching habits we can get pretty damn close.”

How will this be accomplished? Through the use of dark fiber, distributed computing models, Bluetooth enabled gravestones and providing each dead person with their own after-life IP address. Google also makes use of a GUSD (Google User Soul Device) implanted directly into the soul making the data resistant to algor, pallor and rigor mortis.

The service is rumored to sport or work with the following features / services:

GDeath Cache- Using the cache feature of GDeath users can ensure their last online moments are archived perfectly for the comfort of friends and family.

GDeath Trends- Find mortality trends and zero in on the various diseases, wars, famines and freak accidents wiping people out all over the globe by region and by popular query.

GDeath Earth- Find useful maps of where you died, where friends died and the ability to find hot war zones and high mortality areas. Future plans include death videos so you can bypass Internet shock sites or relive your death over and over in case it was really fascinating, cool or kind of unique.

DeathSense- Patented technology enables users to get a pretty good estimate on how and when they will die based on their searching, spending and online habits. DeathSense also provides contextually targeted advertisements to relieve boredom for those trapped in any type of short or long-term purgatory.

Gmail compatible- Using the GDeath alarm features users are able to create various alerts to remind them when they are engaging in high risk or plain silly behaviors that might cause their untimely demise.

Digg and Reddit Integration- Through the use of a Dead Man’s Switch users can now publish their last moments to the Digg or Reddit services to see how popular or unpopular their death really was.

The anonymous Google insider also commented: “At Google the goal is to organize the world’s information in a useful dataset to best serve users. After much internal debate we decided that dead people count for something too. The release of this product will not delay our launch dates for GDad, Gmom, GPet, GFamily or GWhiz Google Snacky-Time Products nor should it impede any performance based marketing deals with the devil.”

Yahoo! did not respond to the product leak but speculation has it they are working on Yuicide! - a digital suicide planning and life ending portal based on the work of Jack Kevorkian.

* GDeath can work with any grave, sarcophagus, crypt, sepulchre, or ossuary.

** Not compatible with cremation or some Windows-based systems.

*** So long and thanks for all the fish. The answer remains 42.

Important Note: Users who have experienced GDeath might consider donating their wealth to causes in Second Life.

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